


Lets get turnt up

by BardsAmbrosia



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Crack, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Derogatory Language, Drinking, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Mild Sexual Content, OH Robby you dirty boy, Robert Downey Jr gets boners when cute girls call him Robby, This is DUMB, bruce and steve are not cool enough to get turnt up, everyone is friends kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:11:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardsAmbrosia/pseuds/BardsAmbrosia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Reader is drunk with Clint.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Turning up

"Clint I bet you can't even eat pussy." You grinned. Clint scarfed down the brown liquid in his glass before turning around to you.

He put his glass down clumsily and gave you an annoyed and hard stare. "Says who?" He slurred just as drunk as you.

Tony stood a few feet away from you, biting his bottom lip, in a lame attempt to not burst out laughing as he dried a glass.

Inviting you guys to his newly made bar in Stark Tower was the best idea he ever had. Mainly because he could watch you guys get fucked up on liquor and say the dumbest shit ever.

"Says me. Like..." You quickly glance over the room and see Steve sitting down on the couch next to Natasha and Bruce. Natasha is sipping her drink while Bruce and Steve just watch TV quietly.

Target acquired.

"I BET STEVE CAN EAT PUSSY BETTER THAN YOU." You yell. Everyone looks at you. 

Steve looks horrified. 

Bucky is having an arm wrestling match with Thor and was winning until you made the announcement. He loses his concentration and loses the match. His not metal hand makes a painful sound against the table as Thor pushes it down. He doesn't even flinch and looks in your direction.

"What?" Bucky says just as loud as you were before he starts laughing. 

"T-that's bullshit! I know what I'm doing with my mouth!" Clint is actually insulted.

"You're lieing." 

Everyone glances at the doorway and sees Loki with a smirk on his face. How long has he been there? No one knows.

Clint kisses his teeth. "NO ONE ASKED YOU LEGOLAS."

"Clint, that makes no sense." Natasha shakes her head, giggling and goes back to her drink.

Loki narrows his eyes. "Legolas?" He pronounces it slowly.

"He's the elf king or something." Tony happily chimes in, adding fuel to the fire.

Loki huffs,folding his arms. "You compare me, _me_ to an _elf_ ? You are more stupid than I thought." He hisses.

"Brother, do not fret. Why don't you come over here and challenge me to the mortal game, ' _arm wrestling_ '?" Thor asks, smiling.

__Loki looks at him with something akin to distain. "No."_ _

__"Don't be that way."_ _

__"I do not play games fit for brutes."_ _

__Bucky leers at Loki and chuckles hoarsely. "Sounds like you're chicken."_ _

__Loki returns his leer, heatedly. "What?"_ _

__"Sounds like you know you'll lose."_ _

__Loki glides over to where Bucky and Thor are seated. Bucky gets up from his seat and quickly meets Loki half way. Loki is somewhat taller and looks down to him and Bucky looks up. Their faces are inches apart._ _

__They share heated exchanges and the room gets tenser and tenser. Steve gets up from his seat, prepared to stop them if they fight. Bruce watches worriedly, while Natasha scowls._ _

__Clint is watching, amused, hoping for a fight in his drunk haze._ _

__"Mortal, it would be wise to stop comparing me to things." He seethes._ _

__"Brother." Thor warns, watching Loki closely._ _

__"Or what?" Bucky's mouth twitches, hands balled into fists._ _

__Tony' eyes widen. "No fighting..." He really didn't want the place to get leveled tonight._ _

__But you come to the rescue. "Boys, boys, boys, boys... _boys_." You slur, getting between the hard bodies of metal and muscle. "No need to fight over me."_ _

__Bucky allows you to move him back as you get between them. He raises a brow as you wrap arms around Loki's neck and bump your ass into his abdomen._ _

__"How about you take me back to my room and show me what that silver tongue can do." You flirt, pulling him down closer._ _

__Bucky chuckles, no longer looking for a fight. "You are so drunk."_ _

__Loki looks at you like you've gone completely mad. The smell of alcohol strong on your breath. He puts his hands on your wrists, grip tight. "Release me, wench."_ _

__"Nah."_ _

__Steve sighs and sits back down. Bucky goes over to the bar and takes seat. Thor frowns at Loki. "Brother, don't be...a stick in the mud, as they say."_ _

__Loki glances over to his brother as if to say ' _stop talking_ '._ _

__Bruce gets up and calmly leaves the room. That's enough stupid for him tonight. Natasha stretches out._ _

__"Hey, why don't you guys just take it upstairs and give Clint some lessons." Tony suggests, winking._ _

__"Nope." Clint gets off his seat and stumbles to where Steve and Natasha are sitting. "I-I'm not sharing pussy with an elf."_ _

__You turn your head and glare at him. "Well I don't want to share dick with a pussy."_ _

__Steve openly cringed. Horrible, horrible language._ _

__"WHAT." Clint yells, again insulted and mildly confused._ _

__"You heard me! Are you deaf?"_ _

__Natasha looks over to you. "You know,  
he does have hearing aids."_ _

__Clint glares at Natasha. "Tisha." He slurs. "I heard her."_ _

__"Don't call me 'Tisha'."_ _

__"Don't call me Tisssshhaaa." He says in a high pitch voice, mockingly._ _

__"Would it be wrong of me to punch you in the face?" Natasha says, in a low tone._ _

__Loki glares at you, trying to get out of your hold. You surprisingly don't budge. You purposefully smash your lips into his and Loki hisses, putting his hands on your waist. Bucky has already gotten down 5 glasses of straight rum before he gets up and heads over to you._ _

__Tony watches the scene unfold with a smirk on his face. Steve tries his hardest to focus on the TV screen in front of him._ _

__

__Loki doesn't notice Bucky approach behind you as you nibble his bottom lip, to drunk to care. Loki mumbles a curse against your lips and returns the kiss. He uses a hand to hold the back of your neck and brings you closer. Bucky gropes your ass with his metal hand, making you softly moan into Loki's mouth._ _

__"No. You aren't having sex in here."_ _

__Natasha takes you by the ear and tugs, making you gasp in pain and break the lip lock. She drags you by the ear from a disappointed and annoyed Loki and Bucky, to the couch._ _

__"What-" You whine before being pushed down on the couch next to a trashed Clint and a flustered Steve. "What the fuck, Natasha..."_ _

__Natasha squeezes in between you and Steve and puts a leg over the other, like a classy ass lady. "Sit there and sober up."_ _

__You grumble and lay back on the couch._ _

__"Slut." Clint mumbles, lidded eyes passively set on the TV._ _

__"Bitch."_ _

__"Cunt."_ _

__"Small dick having chicken."_ _

__Silence._ _

__"You're a cabbage. A muff cabbage."_ _

__"Fuckass."_ _

__"That's all you think about, huh?"_ _

__"Shut the fuck up, you turd."_ _

__Natasha clears her throat. _'Shut up.'__ _

__You groan. Clint leans over and rests his head on your shoulder. "I love you so much." He mumbles._ _

__"Huh?" You didnt hear him._ _

__"You smell horrible."_ _

__You try to shrug him off but he doesnt move away. "Then get off me, dumbass."_ _

__"No, shut up."_ _

__"You guys don't need to drink anymore." Nastasha mutters, taking a sip on her drink._ _

__Steve glances over to Nastasha. " You've been drinking the same glass for an hour."_ _

__"Steve, I don't tell you how to live your life."_ _

__"Okay, but that's a martini-"_ _

__"Shut up."_ _


	2. Aftermath

You're awake, laying on your back on a really, really soft bed. Staring at the ceiling in the pitch dark was fun 0.5 seconds ago.

Its not fun anymore.

You really need to get fucked up again.

Like last Friday.

Its Wednesday. You just need to wait two more days. And then you can kick it again with your homies.

Last Friday was fucking incredible. You never had that much fun before. You got to fuck Loki and Bucky at the same time.

Well, you think you did. You don't remember much, but you did wake up naked, sandwich between them, in Bucky's room.

You scored on two major hotties. Unlike in college where the only thing you scored were high test scores.

Neerrrdd.

You can't wait that long. 

You get up and put on a tank top and short shorts because sometimes you like to sleep in the good old nude.

It's 1:30 in the morning. You need to be extra quiet like the awesome, not bitch assassin you are because fuck what Clint thinks.

Clints' a dirty, back stabbing, rat faced loser with a nice butt.

Yeah. Almost as nice as Steve's. 

Almost.

You sneak down the hall past Thor and Bruce's rooms. You do some crazy ninja moves past the camera. You don't need that robot guard messing up your plans. That dude was super nosy.

Finally, you make it to wonderland.

You walk towards the bar and make it to the counter--

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP--

You silently curse and glare into space as the once dark and quiet room is now glowing red with a siren light illuminating the room with its circulator flashes. You would have screamed if you weren't numb to stressful and surprising situations.

You walk over behind the counter anyway because fuck Tony's alarm. You grab a random bottle, full of the most expensive shit you will have ever tasted and search through the drawers to find a cork opener.

"Wah-la.." You've found the opener. You open the wonderful bottle. You don't bother with a glass. 

Who needs a glass???

You walk over to Tony's couch and sit down. Prepared for who ever walks in.

You don't hear the door slide open over the siren, but you do hear a few voices as the door slides shut. You hold the bottle up to your head. The bitter yet fruity taste completely takes over your taste buds.

"What the hell?" Tony says as he sees the top of your head when he looks towards the couch. He can also see HIS liquor in your hand. Steve strolls in behind him, with Thor.

"Lady (Y/n)?" Thor says sounding concerned.

Steve rolls his eyes, not surprised at all. "Of course its her. She was completely out of it last Friday."

Tony gets in front of you, arms folded. From what you can see he looks upset, but you're already drunk, so you are unable to care.

You are spayed out on the couch. Legs wide and you're slumped back with one arm dangling over the arm rest. The bottle is in your other hand.

Thor comes next to the side of the couch and Steve is leaning back on the bar's counter, pretty close by.

Every ones in a shirt and plain pajama pants. So, so boring you think. Why can't they were thongs or something.

But Tony has on red, satin pajama pants, so its not too bad.

Tony claps his hands three times and the sirens die out and the normal, bright light comes on. You hiss and rub your eyes with your free hand.

"(Y/n), why are you up drinking?" Thor asks. "You should be asleep."

Tony grabs the bottle from your hands and glances at it, seeing it half empty. He glares at you. "You shouldn't be down here without my consent. Drinking _my_ liquor. You had enough last Friday..."

You slump deep into the couch. "I'm an adult. I do what I want." You say evenly before burping an abrupt burp.

Steve crinkles his nose in disgust and folds his arms. "Wow."

Thor laughs. "Good one!" 

Tony rolls his eyes again and he strolls over to the bar and corks back the bottle, before setting it on the counter. He goes back over to the couch and sits down next to you. He looks to you and folds his hands, like he's about to make some sort of great deal with you.

"(Y/n). (Y/n), look at me."

You slowly turn your head to him. "Yes, Robby?" 

You watch his eye brow twitch under your eyelashes. You smile coyly. "Robby...baby."

Tony swallows. His mouth goes dry. "What."

You suddenly spring up and straddle him. Tony's eyes widen as you hold on to his shoulders and lean down to his ear. "Robby." You draw out the name and lick the shell of his ear.

Tony tents a boner.

Steve raises a brow and goes to the opposite side of the couch,across from a confused and staring Thor.

Tony visibly cringes and pushes you off of him and you let out a squeak as you fall back and end up upside down. Your calfs and feet are on the couch and your back and neck are in an odd angle. 

"(Y/n)!" Steve and Thor shout in unsion, rushing over to help you up and make sure you're okay.

You feel dizzy as Thor helps you to your feet. You lean into his chest, feeling queasy. "N-not cool...Tony.."

"Tony, what was that?!" Steve yells at his friend. "You could of really hurt her!"

Tony is in a daze, staring into space. Steve yells his last name and Tony blinks a few times, putting a hand on his forehead.

"Um, what?"

"You pushed (Y/n) off you. You almost hurt her." Steve's harden stare glanced over to you. "What got into you?"

"Not sure..."

Tony breath hitches when he looks down and hides the evidence by folding a leg over his lap. He doesn't really understand what just happened and hes not going to try to explain it to Steve.

Steve doesn't notice, but pinches the bridge of his nose, annoyed anyway. "Thor, take her back to her room."

Thor nods and makes a move to take your hand, but stops when you hold your hands in front of you. 

"Piggy back ride."

Thor is confused. "What do you mean?"

"Let me get on your back. I want to ride you like a horse." You reach up to touch his one of his braids. "You majestic creature..."

Thor furrows his brows and frowns slightly. "You are, as they say, plastered..."

You hold a finger to your lips and shush him. "Don't give me no lip, boy. Now kneel."

Thor narrows his eyes at your last statement, but kneels down anyway.

"Oh god. I've always wanted to do this.." You climb onto his strong back and wrap you arms around his neck. Thor holds your legs so that you don't fall.

"Steve!" You yell over your shoulder. He directs his gaze from Tony to you. "This is me and you NEXT FRIDAY."

Steve sighs as Thor whisks you away.

As you both are headed down the hallway, an idea pops up in your drunken stupor. "Thor?"

"Hm?"

"Lets go to Loki's room."

"I will not allow you to fornicate with my brother this night." Thor says evenly.

"What!? I just wanna talk!"

"Keep your voice down. And talk about what? Its much to late for conversation. I'm not clueless, (Y/n)."

You huff, annoyed. "Then let me stay in your room."

Thor sighs. "No."

"What..? I'm not pretty enough to chill in your room, bro? That hurts my feelings. I'm going to cry." You sniffle.

Thor buys into your fake whining. "Please don't cry-- its just that-" You make a ear shattering crying noise. "Okay you can join me in my chambers!" 

You smirk. 'Sucker.' "Thanks, Thor."

 

The next morning

.........

 

The Next FUCKING mORNING.

Thor yawns and is about to turn over off his back and lay on his side. But he can not. He feels pressure on his chest. Its warm. 

"Hmm?" He opens his eyes slightly.

There you are.

His eyes are wide now. You aren't totally bare on top of him, thankfully in your underwear as is he. Thor moves up on the bed so that his back is resting against the head of the bed. You shift in your sleep and bury your face into his chest.

Thor curses under his breath in his naive tongue. He looked at the digital clock on the table next to the bed. 

It's 8:30 A.M..

Everyone was probably up by now and down in the kitchen. Hopefully his absence wasn't noticed yet. Or yours.

"(Y/n)?" Thor put a hand on your shoulder to shake you non to roughly. You stirred and blinked your eyes. A horrible ache could be felt in your temples. You massaged your temples with two fingers but it doesn't help.

"Fuck." You put your head back down on Thor's warm chest. Thor worries his bottom lip. 

"(Y/n), we need to get dressed and go before anyone notices something is a miss."

Painfully, you raise your head to look at Thor. "No...I'm in pain. You can go." You end the conversation and roll of him as gingerly as possible because this hangover was a motherfucker.

Thor opens his mouth only to close it back. 

"I'll bring you something to eat. Stay in here." He whispers. You groan and rub your face deeper into the pillow.

He can't let anyone know about this, especially Loki. He didn't want to have his brother thinking he was competing with him for you. Thor was much to close to repairing their relationship.

And he hadn't sleep with you. But he does recall making out, which was bad enough. You most likely don't remember much, he assumes.

Thor finishes putting on the rest of his clothing and leaves the room as quiet as possible.

The click of the door closing still bothered you.

You rolled over on your back and hold your face. You regret drinking. You were such a light weight. You failed to remember your hangover last Saturday.

That was way worse than this.

'FML', it hurt to think. You hope Thor comes back with an aspirin.

Down on the lower level of the Tower, Clint is wondering where you are. You always show up for breakfast before him.

Everyone is down here except you and Thor.

Even Loki is here..

Natasha is helping Steve with breakfast, Bucky is reading the newspaper like the old man he is. Loki is just sitting across the table from him, slightly hunched over and has his hands knitted together under his nose, in thinking form really. Looks evil though. Good old Loki, silently plotting against us.

Clint glares at him. He's ready for anything. "Anything..."

Loki looks up from the table, to Clint. "What?"

Clint shakes his head. "Nothing, Patterson."

Loki glares back, "Its Laufeyson."

"I don't give a fuck." Clint says, folding his arms. "Go back to being Low-Key over there and not talking me."

Loki looks offended, he opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted.

"Good morning, all!" Comes Thor. Loki directs his gaze to Thor as he nears him.

"Morning, brother." He greets, evenly. Thor pats him on the back and sits down next to him.

"Sleep well?"

"Ah, yes." Loki glances around. "Have you seen (Y/n)?" 

Thor felt a lump in his throat. "She is probably still sleeping."

"She needn't miss breakfast. I'll go fetch her." Loki moves to get up but Thor pulls him back.

"No! She's grumpy in the morning. There is no need-"

"Brother she'll be more than happy to see me, I'm sure. Now let go." Loki brushes his brother's hand of his shoulder.

"Not if I get there first." Clint challenges, getting up. Loki scowls.

"Why do you hate me so? Wait, wait." Loki smiles, waving his hands dismissively. "Don't answer that." He walks past Clint in long strides.

"He's mad because he didn't get to fuck her." Bucky chimes in, over his paper. "It was glorious."

"Bucky." Steve warns, setting down some pancakes on a plate in a tall stake. 

"Sorry, mom." Bucky says, going back to his newspaper. "Nice apron."

Steve glares at him and Natasha pats him on the back. 

Clint gives Bucky a look of disgust. "That chance! We're friends..." 

Tony sits down at the table and gives Clint an incredulous look and snorts. "Are you sure, bro?" 

Natasha comes and sets down plates around the table. "Everyone shut up and eat, okay? (Y/n) will come down when she's ready. You too, Loki."

Clint and Loki slowly go back to their seats. Thor inwardly sighs. 'Good. No one will know.' 

Thor bites his lip as Steve puts down some pancakes in front of him, remembering that he should bring you something. 

"Morning..." You mumble, more so dragging your feet then walking in. "Thor, thanks for getting me that aspirin..."

Thor shifts uncomfortable as his brother gives him a curious look. Bucky sits next to Tony and motions towards you going into the kitchen. "What's with her?"

Tony puts his mug of coffee down. "How should I know?"

"I heard the sirens last night..."

"I don't feel like discussing that." Tony cringed, remembering last night's events. "Ask her yourself."

Bucky shrugged and got up. You rummaged through the cabinets as everyone gets seated down to eat. You really need to find those pills.

"Hey, babe." Bucky comes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist. "You alright? You look sick."

"No. Hangover." You mutter, seeing the bottle of aspirin. Its up high. Of course. "Can you get me that aspirin?"

"Sure." Bucky reaches up and grabs it. You take it from him.

"Thanks." You say, dryly. You plop one in your mouth and swallow. You so hardcore, you don't need water.

"Anytime." Bucky says, huskily and kisses the side of your face. "You look down...want to grab our food and go to my room? We can make good on the syrup."

You mauled that idea over. "I don't know.."  
Bucky let out a whine and used his metal fingers to cup your privates. "Bucky!"

"Please, please." He says in a low tone, rubbing your clothed button.

"C-can you not!?--Ugh--stop it!!!" You groan and try to push him off you. "Stop!--Ah!" Bucky chuckles and presses his nose in your hair, enjoying the smell as he teases you.

You aren't exactly quiet and everyone can hear you.

Steve almost chokes. "Get a room!"

"Please don't! Its music to my ears!" Tony laughs, ignoring Steve's judgmental look. "Right, Bruce?" He nudges the blushing scientist in the arm.

"This is so unethical." Bruce sighs, resting his face in his palm.

Loki burns holes into Bucky's back and makes a move to get up. Natasha raises her hand. "She made her bed. Let her handle it."

"She's obviously not--"

Tony cuts him off. "Dude, seriously. She's okay. Just wait for it."

"What for wait? Wh-"

There's a loud crash of pots and pans in the kitchen.

"WE CAN FUCK LATER, BUT I'LL BE DOING THE FUCKING."

"LET GO--aH FUCK. PLEASE."

"WHEN I SAY STOP, YOU STOP."

Thor stops eating completely, everyone does except, Natasha and Tony. They act like nothing is happening behind that counter.

You have Bucky on his back.

The Winter Soldier.

You have James 'Bucky" Barnes on his back, withering in pain. You have him by the balls. Literally.

"IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, IT WILL BE YOUR DICK, OKAY?? ANSWER ME YOU BITCH."

"She's so hot." Clint says, as he stares, wide eyed towards the kitchen. 

"She is perfect." Loki mutters, smiling.

Tony finishes his food and gets up to leave, he has things to do today. "You guys are morbid as hell."

Bucky still maintains his erection as you have his balls in a death grip and yell at him. His eyes roll into the back of his head and he opens his mouth, but no noise escapes.

You grit your teeth as Bucky arches his body. You spot his boner and glance up at his face. He looks like he's on the brink of death and post orgasmic bliss. You let go.

Angry and flustered, you kick him half heartedly in the leg and call him a slut.

While Bucky is busy twitching on the floor, you go and sit in Tony's seat next to Bruce. Bruce pales and gets up, leaving before anyone can say anything.

He refuses to be apart of this circus.

You watch him go and shrug, before getting some pancakes.

Steve no longer thinks you are human.

Thor is sure you aren't. 

Clint is in love.

Loki has to tap that again and put a ring on it.

Natasha doesn't give a fuck and is really enjoying her tea right now. 

Your attitude gets even more bitter. The pancakes are cold.

"Did you try to kill Bucky?" Steve pipes up, obviously on the brink of panic.

"Oh, no." You poke at your food, uninterested. "He's just doing the worm or something..."

Steve bites his bottom lip and gets up and rushes into the kitchen. "Bucky...BUCKY! Oh god...stop! Seriously!?"

"St-teve, g-get the...f-fuck out." Bucky grunts through his teeth, stroking his cock, furiously.

 

Steve speed walks right out the door, hands in his hair, letting out an agitated grunt. Poor guy.

Can't handle the fact that his best friend is a kinky, pain-whore. He'll accept it one day.

You pour syrup on your pancakes and eat. Natasha finishes her tea and looks at you. "Want to practice some shooting with me?" She asks, casually.

"I've got plans."

Natasha raises a brow. "Smoking marijuana, eating cheetos, and masturbating, do not constitute as 'plans' in my book."

"I smoked that one time. And only because Tony dared me to. Besides, eating cheetos and masturbation reinforces my Americanism."

"Americanism???" Clint questions. "You're so full of shit.." He chuckles.

"Clint go away." You say, pushing away your plate forward. You don't feel hungry anymore.

"Whatever. Did you go into Tony's bar last night?"

"Maybe." You shrug. "Why?"

Clint scoots up next to you, invading your personal space. "Its pretty obvious. So you got fucked up without me? I'm hurt." He jokes and puts a arm around your shoulder. "I thought we were team." 

Loki fixes his mouth in a straight line, watching Clint. Thor notices his change in demeanor. "Brother, um, want to, uh.." 

Thor doesn't have any ideas. He and Loki don't have much in common. He needs to work on that.

Natasha rolls her eyes. "Thor, come and spare with me. Leave Loki to fight for (Y/n)'s affections."

Thor nods, feeling somewhat defeated and gets up.

"My affections?" Natasha doesn't answer and winks at you. She and Thor leave.

You sigh and put your arm over Clint's shoulder. "Wanna go hang out?"

"Yeah, why not?"

You nod once and look over at Loki. "You in?" He rolls his eyes and shrugs.

"Its a party. We can go trash Tony's bar."

Bucky groans, his heart rate normal again and fixes his pants. He gets up and goes to the sink to wash his sticky hand. "Bucky?" He stiffens.

He dries his hands, quickly and turns around. "Yes?" He asks, sheepishly. Is he actually afraid of you? Nah. He refuses to accept that.

"Want blow this taco stand?"

"What."

You sigh. Oh yeah he's like 95 years old. "You want to hang out? Me and the boys are going to crash Tony's bar."

"Okay." 

Clint gets up. "I'm starting to think you're a drunk."

"I'm starting to think you're nag." You push him out of your way as you go. Loki purposefully pushes him as he passes by.

"Dick." Clint mutters. He follows behind Loki soon enough. Bucky strolls out after, silently hoping you do what you did again.

That was sooo, so hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jazz hands*


	3. Stark's Revenge

"Steve, open the door." Bucky has been standing at Steve's door for 10 minutes straight. He is superhuman but that has nothing to do with patience. He is now very restless.

Bucky taps his feet lightly as he takes a deep breath. This guy was such a prude. "Steve? You can't be this lame forever. You have to accept the birds and the bees. Sometimes a guy needs to let out some steam." 

Bucky gets no response and he's about to open his mouth again, to try to coax out his best buddy, without breaking down the door, before he hears foot steps come to the door. The door slowly opens and Steve appears. His mouth his set in a line as he stares at his friend.

"I get that, Bucky, I really do. But...that was-" Steve pauses as he pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment. He exhales and fixes his gaze to the floor, then folds his arms. "It was.." He trails off, trying to find the right word.

Bucky rolls his eyes and sighs. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Trust me you'll never have to see that again.."

Steve nods and casts up his gaze. "What I really don't understand is why you were doing that in the first place."

Bucky smirks and idly strokes the tip of the knife strapped tight to his thigh. He sighs, recalling bits of that morning.

"She was beating you up or threatening you, right?" Steve frowns when Bucky doesn't answer and is seemingly just looking right through him. "Bucky."

Bucky blinks his eyes, pushing back the distracting memories. "Uh, yeah. Kind of. You really wanna know, Rogers? You might not be able to handle it."

 

Steve scrunched up his nose. "Okay never mind." As he says this Tony comes  
speed walking down the hall, checking over his shoulder suspiciously.

His face brightens up when seeing Steve and Bucky. "Hey!" He greets.

"Hey." Bucky and Steve greeted back in unison. 

"You guys do me a favor and keep that drunk occupied while go trash her room ok??? Thanks!" Tony says in a jumbled mess before running down the hall.

"Why?" Steve called to him but received no answer. Tony was gone, gone, gone. "Is he talking about (Y/n)? I really don't think-"

"TONY?? T-TONY!!!" 

Bucky whispers 'shit' and pushes Steve back into his room, Steve yelps in surprise as Bucky slams the door shut. "Stay in there." He says at the top of his voice. 

You can be heard screaming somewhere around the corner. "TONY? YOU BITCH HELP ME- BACK, SHREK BACK."

Someone yells and its not your voice. Its the Hulk. The yell vibrates off the walls and Bucky feels his ears pop. Slowly, he goes and looks around the corner, the sounds getting louder. 

 

A glass vase flies past and sharply makes impact against the wall. Bucky glances down at the shards of glass. He feels a little hesitant, but he HAS to help you. 

Bucky runs around the corner and immediately stops in his tracks.

He regrets his life choices.

 

Hulk is not wearing any pants. 

And he's soaking wet.

You are no where to be seen until Bucky glances up. You're on the high ceiling. You wearing your skin tight black body suit and you're using the retractable metal claws to dig into it and your boots have metal cleats so that's also helping.

"Heeeey, b-buddy. Help??" You laugh nervously and flinch again when Hulk grabs for you and misses when you steel your body closer to the ceiling.

"What did you do?" Bucky asks over the Hulk's growling.

"Tony had this great prank idea..and I took Bruce's clothes while he was in the shower--uhh." You pause when Hulk swipes at you and clench more into the ceiling. "He threw a bucket of ice water on Bruce when he came out." 

Bucky folds his arms. "Really fucking stupid."

 

You glare at him. " Okay, yes I know, I'm retarded. HELP ME." Hulk bares his teeth, growling getting louder.

"COME DOWN." He yells at you. You arch into the wall more. This is fucking horrible. This is the worst choice you ever made in life.

Bucky cringes and tries not to check out how hung Bruce is. Like god damn. 

"Not sure if fighting him is a good decision. Not in the tower. He'll calm down soon, I think?" Bucky shrugs, nonchalantly. 

 

"ARE YOU SERIOUS. GET HELP YOU ASSWHOLE. IF YOU DON'T HELP ME, HE WILL FUCKING SMASH ME, I CANT- BUCKY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING???" You yell, exasperated. "BUCKY."

Bucky makes distance between himself and you and the Hulk. He leans against the wall. "I'm just a witness." No way in hell he was fighting the Hulk.

"WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

Bucky rolls his eyes. "I'll try to make sure you don't die, but at the same time I'm not getting involved."

Hulk screams again and its quite surprising that no one else has come to check out whats going on. You look away from Bucky and turn your head to the ceiling, before closing your eyes.

Deep breath.

Clear your mind.

Ignore the impending hand of death that is the Hulk.

"What the hell?"

You eyes snap open as big as dinner plates. 

 

T-that voice.

Sam.

"(Y/n)?! Damn..." Sam looks to Bucky, perplexed at his calm demeanor. "Why aren't you doing something?" 

"She worked for it." Bucky says, voice monotone. Sam just scowls and shakes his head.

You almost break your neck to see him. "Sam!!!" You're so happy to see him. "My savior!"

Sam sighs. And pulls out a gun. He points it at the Hulks back. He raises it some more to Hulks neck before firing.

Bucky gasps, launching himself off the wall in shock. He could have done that! Wait, are we allowed to do shit like this? 

You squeak at the sound of the gun shot, curling closer to the ceiling, heart pounding in you chest, like its fighting to get out. 

You eyes clench tightly closed as you hear Hulk's groan and hear his body fall to the floor, impact shaking the floor.

"Is... He dead? Uh, I--" Bucky says slowly as he stares at the Hulk unmoving body.

Sam rolls his eyes. "Of course not. Its a special tranquilizer Bruce made for himself. He gave one to me and Natasha just in case of emergencies."

You over hear this and loudly let out a breath. You crawl over to Sam and Bucky, quickly on the ceiling and unretracted your claws and then you boots, landing perfectly in front of them. You grin at Sam before, crushing him into a hug.

"Hey." Sam says lowly, wincing as you tighten your arms around him. "You're welcome..."

"YOU BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE MAN-" Bucky eyes widen and he snorts, he bites his lip. Don't laugh.

Don't laugh.

"YOU SAVED ME. YOU ARE SO COOL." You leer over pass Sam. "UNLIKE BUCKY. He's a useless fuck. You hear that, Bucky? You're fat nasty trash."

Bucky chuckles. "Fat nasty trash?"

"You need hearing aids too?" You tease. Bucky smirk drops slightly. He hates old man jokes. So very, very much.

Sam stiffles a chuckle and smiles slightly. "I need to check on Bruce."

You blink up at him and release him, smiling and mutter a apology.

You and Bucky watch Sam go over to a now normal and nude Bruce. You zoom in on Bruce's butt and gasp.

Its really soft and plush looking. You must touch this most glorious booty.

Bucky grabs your wrist with a cold and firm grip, disturbing the plans cooking up in your brain, infuriating you. "What?" 

"I know what you're thinking." Bucky tugs your wrist, pulling you against him. "Its a bad idea."

"You know nothing." You whisper, glancing over to Bruce's form. You mouth drops. Sam turned Bruce over on his back. Even when Bruce is not the Hulk, he's still packing. Bucky follows your line of sight and huffs.

"Okay, now I definitely know what your thinking." Bucky forcefully turns you around, making you gasp and puts his human hand on your waist. He lets go of your wrist and holds the back of your neck, tilting your head up. You shiver slightly from the chill and contrast of warmth from his body.

He leans in and presses his lips lightly against your skin, kissing up your jaw to ear. "Aren't you mine?"

You relax your body and hum as his soft and warm lips find yours. He's surprisingly gently for once. He rubs circles into your side with this thumb and his metal fingers slide into your hair and massage your scalp. You pull away slightly and mumble something. Bucky pulls away and curiously looks down at you. "Hmm?"

"Let me braid your hair."

Bucky blankly stares at you. "What?"

"Let. Me. Braid. Your. Hair." You smile. "In my room." 

Bucky rolls his eyes. No way. But then he remembers something. "About that..." Bucky trailed off. "Tony's in there trashing your room. Not sure why--" Bucky was cut of by your sudden shriek.

"AND YOU DIDN'T STOP HIM??? WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON ANYWAYS??" You shoved Bucky to the side and take off.

"I was kind of helping you!" Bucky yells after you, but your already totally gone. He stands there for moment, before deciding to go check on Steve. 

You finally get to your room. The door is ajar. And you slowly push it fully open. Tony's back is turned to you. He's by your dresser, holding your most precious piggy bank, a hammer in his other hand.

You gasp. "Tony. No."

He slowly turns around. "Sup?" He asks evenly. He has an unreadable expression on his face.

"S-sup?? WhAT DO YOU MEAN SUP?? Put that down you fucking duck faced mother-" You quiet down as Tony leans the hammer closer. 

"Right now you feel pretty bad. I felt pretty bad too when I walked into my bar and every single bottle in there was empty. When you take a man's rum, you take their livelihood."

"Um, I-" 

"I warned you. And you still go back and fuck up my bar, you drunk."

"I'm not a drunk!" You inch closer and Tony raises the hammer.

"Yes you are." Tony says lowly before yelling at the top of his lungs. "AND NOW YOU WILL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES."

Tony throws the piggy bank to the floor and it only cracks. He quickly kneels down and with all his might he hits it repeatedly with the hammer. You stand there like a broken woman before sinking to your knees.

He stops after moment, admiring his work and picks up the $40 dollars and 25 cents that's on the floor. He smirks and nods his head. "Now you only owe me $567." He says, smiling at you.

You stare at him, jaw slacked. 

"I'm surprised Hulk didn't keep you longer."

You continue to stare at him, silently. Tony comes to you and kneels down. His face only a few inches from yours. "Don't fuck me. Don't you ever try to fuck me." He says deadly serious.

He gets up unceremoniously and leaves. 

After he leaves you get up and blink. You stand there for a moment, thinking over your past choices. Tony almost got you killed by the Hulk, just smashed your piggy bank and took your savings, then used a Scarface line on you.

He's never seemed so attractive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony is a psycho bitch.


	4. Black Plague and Panties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been long, much sorries

You are perched up on a lab table in Bruce's laboratory, swinging your legs like you're fucking five. He is looking into his microscope, desperately trying to ignore your very existence.

"So like, he says 'don't fuck me, don't you ever try to fuck me'. And like, I'm like does that mean you don't want me to fuck you? Or do you not want me to fuck with you???"

Bruce straightens and glares at you. 

"You know what I mean, bruh? Bruh??" You question, oblivious to Bruce's animosity.

"Why are you confiding in me? I don't care!" He snaps at you. He stiffens and turns away from you, trying to calm down. "Just leave."

You cross your legs, not budging. "Nah, I'll stay. If you Hulk out again, I could just jump on your back and rip out your eye balls. Then what would you do??" You point a finger at him. "You think about that."

Bruce huffs. "The possibility of you succeeding is 3%. Very unlikely. Yesterday, if not for Sam, you would be dead."

"Yes, but I doubt you'd want to wreck your lab."

Bruce turns around and goes back to his microscope. "Please, go bother someone else. I don't know how much more stupid I can take."

"I thought you knew everything, Shrek."

Bruce bites the inside of his cheek before sighing. 

"What are you looking at anyway??? Alien semen? Oh shit, is it Thor's semen or Loki's? Oh my god, how'd you even get that?"

"Its not semen, you idiot. Its also none of your concern." 

"Ok, ok. No need to get snippy. But it would be a cool experiment since they are both gods and maybe their semen can make god babies."

Bruce's hands tremble slightly as he holds the microscope. You keep talking. Bruce needs a stress ball. A fucking stress ball. And some sort of way to get you gone.

"Dude. Like, this experiment with demi-god semen could be the next upgrade to making a super soldier. I can't believe I thought of that. You just have to get a lady to have the babies. Not me though, yuck. Doubt Natasha would. Maybe Clint, since his entire being is an actual pussy-"

Bruce finally thinks of something. At least to make you gone momentarily.

"You know what I mean? Because-"

"Do me a favor? I need you to help me with my experimenting. I need you to get a flask in the back. Its on the middle, on a shelf. It says Black Plague. Drink it."

"Why?" You ask, confused. Black Plague? That doesn't seem safe.

"I want to see if it'll give you super powers. If it doesn't, it won't do anything to you at all. Please?" Bruce says, forcing a smile.

"Okay..." You eye him warily and jump off the table. As you go, Bruce grins like the Grinch who stole Christmas. It takes everything he has not to laugh.

You get to the back and see the flask with 'Black Plague' on it. You see some other flasks some ways away from it and this piques your curiosity. One says 'Mind control', another says 'Cupid'. You kneel down and see another, 'Shape Shift'.

Hmph. That looks quite interesting. Bruce did tell you to drink the Black Plague but its a brown color and it looks hella gross.

The Mind Control is blue and Cupid is pink. Tough choice. But Shape Shift is mix of blues and white.

Which one should you try...

 

Bruce leaves his microscope, to write down some notes. He been timing you. Its taking you longer than it should. He assumes the worse. You are doing something you're not suppose to be doing.

Fuck.

He sighs and puts down his click board, to go look for you.

 

You drank everything but the Black Plague and Cupid. You are super full. Like so full its feels like everything is going to come back up. You grab the pink flask anyway and sip anyway. You feel your stomach start to bubble. 

You put the flask down and sink down to sit on the floor. "(Y/n)." Oh no its Bruce. A burp escapes through your mouth. They keep coming and you try to silence them by putting a hand over your mouth.

It barely helps.

Bruce rounds the corner and sees you. His eyes dart and widen to the empty flasks and the one in your hand. His jaw clenches in anger and his runs a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself.

You grab the edge of the shelf to help yourself up. You put down the pink flask and watch Bruce closely. "Bruce? Aw shit, not again..."

Bruce's face starts to turn green.

"Woah, calm your ass down." 

Bruce just get greener.

You look around, trying to find an exit. There is no exit.

How are you going to do this?

Well you could try doing the thing that calms Bucky and Loki down when they start getting hostile with each other.

Bruce might totally lose it if you try 'that.'

If Natasha has ever taught you anything useful when your back is pushed against the wall, it is the art of seduction. 

You wanted to touch the butt anyways.

Its now or never.

You ignore the weird feeling from drinking those flasks and crawl over to Bruce.

Your hands push away his lab coat and push up his shirt, finger tips hooking into his pants as you push his shirt up some more. Bruce's breathe hitches and he glares down at you. 

He curses, his voice gruff and threatening. The hand not in his hair, grips your shoulder almost painfully, trying to push you away. You ignore him, littering butterfly kisses up his lean stomach. 

He stutters your name, smart enough to know where you going with this and too confused and aroused to stop you. His hand leaves his hair and rests on the cold metal table behind him, it harshly rubs against the floor as he leans his weight on it slightly. His other hand loosening its grip on your shoulder.

He leans his body forward against his better judgment. He feels less and less angry the more you kiss his stomach. 

You stop and take his hand from your shoulder, slipping two of his fingers into your mouth and suck on them, moaning softly as you do. Bruce bites his bottom lip as you look at him with lidded eyes.

'I am a genius.' You suppress a smirk when he lets out a lusty groan.

Bruce falters as you work your tongue around his thick fingers. His hardening dick twitches in his pants, watching you. When was the last time he's been with anyone?

God, he was so starved for another's touch and intimate attention it was maddening. Luckily, his work kept those feelings back in the dark corners of his being.

You let go of his fingers with a wet pop. You rise up on you feet and wrapping your arms around his waist. Bruce grabs you hips in lightening speed and pushes you flush against him. His lips smash into yours. His lips are soft, warm, and inviting but his actions are impulsive and domineering.

His hand trails down to your ass and he squeezes it, making you give a small gasp. He forces his tongue into your mouth and knits his finger into your hair, bringing you closer and controlling the movements of your head.

He basks in the strange sweetness of your mouth, that's so addicting it makes him want to keep tasting you until he passes out from lack of oxygen. He guesses it came from that pink concoction you drank.

Realization hits him that he really shouldn't be kissing you after you drank that.

Fuck.

Bruce steals himself to break the kiss, but he looses himself as he feels your wonderful fingers wrap around his ---.

Loki walks around aimlessly around Stark Tower, bored out of his mind. He had gotten tired of locking himself away in his room. The only person around her who kept him occupied was you and he couldn't seem to find you anywhere.

He wasn't about to ask that brunette haired brute for any help. 

And when he asked Stark, he hasn't know either. Not even Natasha.

He was adamant that asking Thor would only end up with no tasteful results because his brother would only pester him with hopes of 'hanging out'. Again.

He figured he'd just go into your room and wait for you.

But someone beat him to it.

As Loki nears the door, he hears a hushed male whisper in the room. They are talking to themselves. He hears things being moved, like the rustling of clothes.

He slowly pulls it open for a full view.

Its Clint going through your closet.

He hasn't noticed that he's been found.

Loki leans against the doorway folding his arms. After a couple of seconds he speaks, his voice making Clint jolt up from his shenanigans. "How goes it, mortal?" 

Clint rolls his eyes and goes back to digging around in your closet. "None of your business."

Loki then sees a pair of panties not to far from Clint on the ground. He's about to open his mouth again to make snark comment but closes it when he thinks up something way better.

"Whatever. I'll leave you to it." Loki says like he's leaving and kicks the door shut. 

Loki saunters away from the door as quiet as death himself before Clint turns his head slightly, muttering, 'fucking finally.'

Clint goes back to his searching.

Loki picks up the panties. Suddenly he feels like taking them for himself, but decides against it. He can always get a pair later.

A quick thought flashes through his mind. 'Are these clean? Hope not.' 

He shrugs and then continues on with his dastardly plot.

Blind Clint.

Loki kicks Clint in the back, knocking the air out of him. Clint is slow to retaliate as Loki expertly puts the panties on his head.

"LOKI!?" Clint roars as he scrambles to his feet. He's so angry that he has a hard time taking off the panties.

Loki stifles a laugh and quickly walks out of the room.

Clint runs out after him with the panties on his head. "LOKI,YOU DICK." He yells, running after him.

Loki looks back and picks up the pace. He's almost impressed with Clint keeping up with his long strides. 

Loki looks back again just before turning the corner. He doesn't stop in time and bumps into Thor.

Thor is barely moved and hastily apologizes to his brother. Loki brushes him off, not really caring. His focus is on Clint; whose very close.

Clint goes to strike Loki and Thor intervenes. 

"What is the matter?" Thor asks, his booming voice sounding worried. Thor holds Clint back with an arm and Clint lunges at Loki again, only to be pushed back again.

"He attacked me!" Clint says folding his arms.

"He was going through my love's belongings like some sort of thief. Like those troll thieves. Remember, Thor? The short, stupid ones."

Thor sighs. 

"Oh yeah? Well atleast I'm not a hobbit like Kim Kar-trashian-- you're probably related to her too..."

Loki doesn't know who the fuck that is, but Thor does. By the look of his flabbergasted expression. "Don't you ever talk about her like that!"

"Whats the big deal?" Clint asks. 

"She is no hobbit!"

Clint folds his arms, serious look on his face. " You sure that bitch not a hobbit? Have you seen--"

While Thor and Clint have a serious debate about hobbits and Kim Kardashian's relation, Loki quietly makes himself go away.


	5. wingWOMAN

"Tony, I'm in the vents all the time. I see everything. I know things about the others that you don't know."

"Like?"

"...You watch Housewives of Atlanta."

"What the fuck??" Tony spurts, almost choking on the vegetable juice he was drinking. "Don't ever mention that to anyone."

You roll your eyes. "Okay. Anyway, Bucky wears onsie pajamas. Thor doesn't wear anything. Steve is a scrub so he wears a shirt and pajama pants. He goes to bed at 7 p.m. and wakes up a 6 a.m."

"Loki doesn't wear anything when he's with me, AND THAT'S ALL THE TTIIMMMEE." You brag, wiggling your eyebrows in the most absurd manner.

Tony looks at you incredulously and puts down his glass.

"Sam wears his boxers and Natasha wears a tank top and boy shorts. Her underwear is surprisingly not sexy at all. Bruce hardly ever wears night clothes. He usually just works until he falls asleep in his lab or he'll crawl into bed with his shoes on. The man has deep rooted issues obviously."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know right? I'm fucking incredible. I'm too good of an agent. I deserve my own team." You boast. "I surpassed Natasha."

"Uh-huh." Tony says unimpressed. "You deserve your own private jet. Hell, you deserve to be leader."

"OH MY GOSH!? REALLY?? YOU THINK SO???"

"No. And stop stalking people."

"Why? You weren't upset when I watched Angelina Jolie for you. For....research, according to you."

Tony slams down his empty glass and it cracks. "That's different!...I did it for love."

"Love is naked pictures?" 

"What is love without sex?" 

You stare at the wall in front of you for a moment. He's right. You don't take into account that he never had sex with Angelina Jolie. You look at him in awe. "What is sex without excitement?"

"EXACTLY! Now go! Go and get me naked pictures of Hilary Cliton!"

You stand up, determined. "OKAY... WAIT. Tony that's fucking disgusting. She's like 70..."

"Yeah. I know. I just want to ruin her." He says, aloof and shrugs.

"Why?"

"I just don't care for her. No reason in particular."

*

"Steve, you have to get laid." Bucky says in a joking manner and nudges Steve. The blonde continues lifting his dumbbells, ignoring his friend.

"The strip clubs are waaay better now. You should see the girls!"

"I don't go to those things, Bucky."

"But you should see their asses! They are huge." Bucky lifts and widens his arms, to exaggerate his point. "Come on!"

Steve sighs and puts his weight away on a rack and starts to leave the weight room. Bucky snickers and goes back to his work out.

As Steve walks back to his room, he is more than slightly bothered about what Bucky said to him. "...Its not even a big deal."

"Hey Steve."

Steve jumps. "Huh!? ...(Y/n)...? Where are you?" He asks, looking around.

"I'm in the vent."

Steve looks up and sees you. "Why?"

"Not important. Now, prepare your arms for my arrival!" You announce and kick the vent open. Steve catches you with ease.

You wrap your arms around his neck, ignoring the uncomfortable look on his face. "So. I heard you and Bucky... "

Steve sighs and puts you down. "Please..."

"I'm going to help you!"

Steve almost actually cries. Almost.

*

Steve doesn't exactly know how you convinced him to go to the park to scope out random women to hit on. And he doesn't understand how he got here so fast. He's still wearing his work out clothes. He didn't even take a shower.

He sneaks a whiff from his arm pit. _'Oh god, that's horrible.'_

 

"Steve don't worry. Women love the smell of a man." You say, winking at him. " I'll be over on that bench, waiting. Just use the lines I gave you. That 1950s stuff doesn't work on us 2015s women."

"...2015s?"

"Steve, whatever just go. And remember I got your back." You grinned tapping the ear piece in your ear.

Steve was a bit worried about getting advice from you. But since you are a lady, your advice can't be too bad.

The blonde rolls his eyes and sees a heavy set brunette with a baby in a stroller. 

**((Steve, it doesn't matter if she has baby! Go for it! Her husband might be dead!))** You encourage, talking into the earpiece. 

Steve can't believe the fuckery he's doing right now. He jogs over to the lady and waves. "Hi, is that your baby?"

"Oh, hello and why yes it is." The lady smiles. She checks out Steve, kind of surprised that he came over. ~~Hot stud muffins~~ Guys don't usually approach women with baby strollers.

Steve tries to calm his nerves and peers over into the stroller. "Wow, she's as cute as you are." 

Steve's inference on the babies gender because of the pink onsie is correct.

The woman giggles and bashfully thanks him.

 **((Great job, Steven!))** You yell. A few people glance at you strangely. **((NOW FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY.))**

"WHAT!?" Steve yells in shock, touching his ear, and forgetting the women close by. 

The women cringes and notices the ear piece in his ear. "What the hell!? You have a ear piece...what is this!?" The brunette huffs.

"I, uh- its not what you think!" 

"You fucking weirdo! Stay away from me!" She yells and speeds away with her infant in tow.

Steve's mouth hangs in shock for a moment before he turns around and looks at you anything but friendly.

**((SORRY STEVE. THAT'S FOR LATER. TOO SOON. NEXT TARGET.))**

"I'm not doing this again."

**((DO YOU WANT TO DIE ALONE STEVE?))**

He doesn't answer.

**((WANT TO DIE WITHOUT THE SWEET EMBRACE THAT IS A WOMAN.))**

"..."

**((ITS OKAY TO BE A VIRGIN, STEVE. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO DIE ALONE. A MISS AMERICA LOVING AMERICAN FLAG CRONY LIKE YOURSELF DESERVES LOVE TOO.))**

_This asswhole._

**((I WILL MAKE SURE YOU FIND HAPPINESS EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT MY HELP. I WILL MAKE SURE YOU FUCK THE PUSSY THAT IS LIFE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SACRIFICE MY SLEEP.))**

**((STEVE YOU ARE TOO FUCKING GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT TO DENY YOURSELF LIFE'S MOST SACRED OF DANCES.))**

"THE DANCE OF LOVE." You screech at Steve from across the park. "NOW GET OVER HERE AND KISS ME."

"No." Steve says, plainly.

"OKAY. I UNDERSTAND. YOU AREN'T READY YET." 

"Can you please stop the yelling?"

Steve sighs, exasperated and holds his head.

 

\---

After much, much failing of talking to women and close calls with police officers who ride bicycles with shorts on, you and Steve take a break and had grabbed some ice cream.

You both are standing on a cute little bridge that arches over the pond in the center of the park, watching some ducks.

Steve eats his ice cream cone like a normal and calm human being and notices you taking bites out yours. How do you bite into ice cream? Why would you want to?

You notice him looking at you. "What."

"Nothing." He averts his gaze back to the pond. "You certainly know how to eat ice cream."

"Heh, yeah. I'm a fucking pro." You smirk. Then you get an idea. "Steve you have ice cream on your face."

"Really, where?" When he turns his head you swipe his nose with it. "Hey!!" He says and grins.

"And there and there." You get it on his cheek, before he drops his cone and grabs your wrists.

You lean in and lick it off his cheek and laugh at his blushing face. "Ugh, gross!"

"Whatever. You still have some on your nose."

Steve backs away from you, apprehensive and wipes off his nose with the back off his hand. "You are one of the weirdest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing."

"I'm not weird." You giggle and go back to finishing your ice cream cone.

"(Y/n)?"

"Huh?" You turn to him and his face is not even a centimeter away from yours before you can react.

The kiss is innocent, sweet, and short. Steve pulls back, pink dusting his cheeks. "Wow." It was the most amazing kiss you had ever experienced.

"Yeah..." Steve smiles and grabs your hand. "Maybe we can hang out again. You know, normal?"

"Yes. Anytime you want. Anywhere you want."

"Are you okay?" Steve asks a little worried. "You sound like a robot."

"Yes." You wrap your arms around his warm and muscular frame. "As long as I'm close to you."

Steve hugs you back, flattered, but suddenly feels self-conscious. "I probably smell pretty horrible. I need to take a shower." He moves to pull back, but you won't let go.

"No, please. You smell good." You imagine this is probably what he smells like after sex. "Incredible."

"Thanks, (Y/n). But can please we go home now?"

"Okay, you kawaii motherfucker."


	6. Loki is feeling salty.

"Do you have a social filter?" Natasha asks you as you swing your fist angrily at an old man next to your driving lane.

"I'll find you old man, and when I do! God, god help you!"

"NEXT TIME STAY IN YOUR _FUCKING_ LANE AND USE YOUR _FUCKING_ INDICATORS."

The man keeps looking back at you like you're a mad person.

Which you are.

Natasha's mouth is fixed into a straight line of annoyance. She presses the button that makes the window on your side to go up.

As you yell obscenities at the poor man, you make a close call with the window, almost getting your wrist caught.

Thank goodness the light turns green.

"Listen. If you want a relationship with Steve, you have to....relax."

"RELAX? ITS 2015. There's no time to relax!"

"Have you been drinking Cuban coffee?" Natasha asks and glances at you and double takes when she sees the foam cup in your hand.

She looks at you wide eyed as she tries to drive. "W-when did you-"

"Natasha, I'm an assassin, secret agent, spy, mercenary- extraordinaire! Don't me dumb questions, you stupid broad!"

"(Y/n), you-"

"For all you know I stuffed it up my ass, like those cons in prison!"

Natasha squints at you as you turn from her and sip your Cuban coffee with shaky hands. She's adamant you need therapy.

She drives to a near by vacant parking lot and parks her car. She grabs the coffee cup from you and throws it out of her window.

You glare at her with bloodshot eyes.

"What?" You spit.

"You wanted to talk? Remember?" Natasha watches you squirm around in your seat with folded arms. "You didn't get much sleep last night?"

"No."

"Why? You usually sleep like a baby. What, one of the guys tried keeping you up?"

"Nah. Told Loki I felt like being alone. Bucky didn't show, and I just didn't feel like talking to chicken dick."

"Clint or Tony?"

"Clint. Tony is Robby."

Natasha nods. "Right. Hm, is it Steve?"

You hesitate before answering her. "Yes...he- he's just so damn decent. And he's so nice and I feel bad about mentally undressing him lately."

"We've been hanging out for two weeks now. Of course I have been decrete about it because the others get jealous easy. But I think I actually..."

"Have real feelings for him?"

"Yes. He kissed me the first time when we hung out. It wasn't a date either! Although I asked him to earlier...was sorta joking...I didn't think he's actually do it."

"Maybe you rubbed off on him. You tend to do that. I mean even Fury thinks you're...valuable to the team. And that means he at the very least thinks you're okay."

"Wow." You murmur, staring into space. "You think I have a chance with, Rogers?"

Natasha shrugs. "I guess. If you make him you're one and..."

"My what!?"

Natasha gives you a serious look. "You're one and _only._

"You mean...no more hook ups?"

"Yes."

"With Loki?"

"Yes."

"Bucky?"

"Definitely him."

"Bruce?"

"YOU HAD SEX WITH BRUCE!?"

"No?"

The look Natasha is giving you cringe worthy.

"Ok, ok, yes. We fu-"

"ARE YOU CRAZY? HE COULD HAVE KILLED YOU."

You shrug. "He didn't turn all the way. Actually got him to turn back."

"How!?!?"

"I'm not allowed to to disclose that." You hold your little pinkie to the side of your mouth and smirk. "We pinkie swore." And you ridiculously laugh.

Natasha just stares at you.

"You don't get the reference?"

She turns around and starts the car to go back to the tower.

She's had enough of your weird shit for the morning.  
\-----

You lay upside down on the couch in the living room watching a fancy cooking show.

"If food can be classy, so can I..." You murmur, watching a lady make the prettiest turkey you've ever seen.

Loki walks into the doorway, and instead of making a beeline for you, like usual, he just leans against it. Like he's the coolest kid.

You keep you eyes glued to the television.

"So. You and _Rogers_?" 

"He told you?"

"No. I've been watching you."

"K." You reply, not really interested in the conversation.

"Don't you _'K'_ me..." Loki goes in front of the TV and puts his hands on his hips. Like hes your waifu or some shit. "Do you even care about my feelings?"

You have no choice but to look at him now. "Yes." Because you can't say 'no'. That would be really fucked up. You care about him, but you don't feel like doing this right now.

"Really? Then why are you being so distant? If you really cared, you wouldn't be-"

"Loki, you never made 'us' official. I didn't know you cared that much. Its too late now. My main focus is Steve and only Steve." You get off the couch to stand up. "Besides, you're a prince. You can have anyone you want."

Lok's mouth trembled slightly and for a moment you think he might cry. But he doesn't and he sighs.

The uncomfortable and emotional tension is a bit too much for you at the moment and you walk out, not meeting his eyes.

 _But I want you._

You are some ways down the hall when you hear his sad voice in your head.

"Stay out of my head, Loki!" You yell.

And he does.

 

That horrible and depressing encounter with your lordship was annoying and you felt like a bag of shit.

That feeling is horrible and you really want it to go away.

Usually booze or sex makes it go away.

But you must be strong.

There is no booze or sex to save you now.

You must be strong for Steve. 

 

Loki is pacing all over the tower. His sadness is now venomous rage. 

How dare you leave him for some mortal.

What does he have, that he doesn't?

He hates blonde people again.

They always get in his way.

He will have you again. Even if that means putting Steve against you.

Loki smirks when an idea comes to mind.  
And he knows exactly how.

*

"One two. One two. One two. Three four." The dance instructor says with a raised voice.

There are other couples around you, practicing the same dance as you, but all you notice is Steve.

He has his head slightly down, making sure he doesn't step on your feet by accident.

This would be boring if it wasn't him.

God, he's so cute.

"Steve?" He looks up at you. "Don't worry about stepping on my feet. I like pain." You say, reassuringly. 

You recoil. You hopped that didn't sound too weird.

Steve smiles and chuckles. "Too bad. I won't be inflicting any on you."

He was totally prince charming

He was better than Gaston. And Gaston was pretty smooth. But a jerk. And hot, but a biiiiiig jerk. 

Steve is no jerk. 

Hmmm, jerky.

Does Steve taste better than jerky? Of course he does.

You stop your Hannibal Lector like thoughts, when he leans in and kisses your cheek. 

Kiss number two.

You will keep count of his cotton candy kisses.

"Steve?"

"Yes?"

"I know this is sudden, but can I give you a nickname?"

He smiles so, so charmingly. Like how does this guy actually like you??? Oh yeah because you're the bombest of bitches.

"Sure. What do you have in mind?"

"Prince Charming or Cotton candy?" You ask, with kawaii sparkles in your eyes.

Steve laughs and twirls you around. "I prefer Prince Charming, but you can use both...just not the latter around the team."

"That's fair."

"Okay. So that means I get to give you one."

"YES."

"I'll have to think about it. I want it to be perfect."

You wiggle your eyebrows. "Like me? Oh Steven. You must stew it over then."

 

After you guys leave the Dancing Studio, you see an old man across the street by a parked car.

And from closer inspection its the same one from earlier. You forget Steve is right there.

"HEY OLD MAN," You yell and the old guy looks at you as he's about to get into his car. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY THE FUCK OUTTA MY NEIGHBORHOOD."

"Go to hell, you harlot!" He says in a old man voice and angrily shakes his wrinkled fist.

As he gets in his car, you scream more obscenities at him before he speeds off.

"Ugh, sometimes old people really piss me off." You huff. 

_Oh shit._ You turn around to Steve.

He's every bit of shocked disappointment.

" ~~Icanexplain.~~ I can explain."

He folds his arm. Holy fuck, the look of judgment is all over his face. 

Oh damn, he's going to scold you.

"THAT OLD MAN IS A HORRIBLE PERSON. PEOPLE WHO CUT PEOPLE OFF ON THE ROAD BURN IN HELL, STEVE. I COULDN'T LET IT SLIDE. OLD PEOPLE TAKE TOO MANY LIBERTIES. THOSE DAMN 90 YEAR OLD FOGGIES."  
You blurt before gasping and covering your mouth.

_Oh shit. And wait, isn't he like around that age...ffuuuccckkk._

Steve's face right now is the dictionary picture example of 'What.The.Fuck.'

"Uh, but not you! You're super hot and cool....and stuff...." You smile, apologetically. "...Sorry."

Steve stares at you blankly before rolling his eyes. "Ok?"

He doesn't sound okay.

Oh but wait!

You have an idea.

This always works on Clint when he mad at you. Not that you care or anything. That baka chicken dick.

You grab Steve's arms and he looks at you questionably but let's you move them against his better judgment.

"What are you doing anywa---HAHHHAA--- STAPH--" Steve laughs, trying to dispatch himself away from your tickling.

 

"Nope." You smirk. Yes. You are a genius. 

Steve is backing away from you and is trying to dodge your hands. He hasn't done anything like this since he was alittle kid. He forgot how fun it was.

He's totally not mad at you anymore.

You tickle Steve into a wall and corner him. "You can't escape." You say as dastardly and evil as possible. "You will die by... _The Tickle._

 

Little do you both know, Loki is behind the bushes across the street watching you both. 

He finds it so, so disgusting.

Those damn blonde people fucking with his life. They think they are so fucking cool with their muscles and great pecs.

He bets his dick is longer than Steve's.

Wait, why is he thinking about that? That's so childish and not how he usually thinks.

How odd.

He breaks out of his strange thoughts and glares at your back. You have Steve pushed up against a wall and now he sees you kissing his face, just to ease him into the making out.

Loki knows that move.

He knows it all to well.

YOU USE TO DO THAT WITH HIM.

You finally kiss Steve's lips and try to deepen the kiss. 

Mooch number three.

You so want to make out with him.

God, this feels great. But...

Steve is hesitant. You can feel it.

Before you do, Steve breaks the lip-lock. "Maybe we can do this later. In private." He says, sheepishly.

Oh, its because its outside. Aw, he's so shy. You really can't wait to break him in and make him your sexy man slave.

"Okay. I understand." You peck him on the nose and give him back his space.

 

Loki is so upset right now. Like he wants to actually kick Steve in the nuts.

But, no. He will lay low and wait for the time to pounce--

"Brother?! What are you doing here behind the bushes???" Thor asks, curiously and gets down to his brother's height. "Have you gone mad?"

Loki curses under his breath. "Quiet you fool...! Don't bring attention here!" He hisses.

How did this idiot even find him?

"Huh?" Thor looks to where Loki was looking and sees you and Steve. "Oh." 

Thor rolls his eyes. "Loki, get a hold of yourself. I mean really. You are stalking (Y/n). Don't you think that is stupid?"

"You're stupid....! Go away!" Loki glared at him before turning his attention back at you.

"You really have gone mad." Thor chuckles. "Or you are jealous."

"I'm not."

"Are too."

"No."

"Yes."

"Go to hell." 

"Only if you join me."

 

"Steve, I want a piggy back ride." You say going around him and patting his back. "Down boy, down."

Steve chuckles. "Uh, sure?" He shrugs and kneels down. 

You make haste to climb on his back. "Steve, this is a great view. NOW RUN. RUN TO THE PIZZA PLACE ON 7TH AVENUE BEFORE THE LINE GETS CROWDED WITH SNOT NOSED KIDS."

Steve can't believe he's actually doing this on a date, but at least hes having fun.

 

Loki grittes his teeth as he sees you both go and in the manner you both leave.

Thor laughs. "Its nice having her on your back...it's oddly pleasant." Thor says without thinking.

"WHAT?!" Loki quickly turns to him. "SHE--YOU TOO?!" 

Thor cringes. "Uh--

"YOU BASTARD. WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO WITH HER?!"

"Nothing! I only gave her one once because she was drinking and--"

"OKAY YOU ARE NOW ON MY SHIT LIST."

_"WHAT."_

**"YOU. ARE. ON. MY. SHIT. LIST."**

"YOU ARE GOING TO SHIT ON ME? LOKI, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"NO YOU _FUCKING_ MORON. THAT MEANS YOU ARE ON THE LIST OF PEOPLE I HATE."

"What a horrid term..."

"MAYBE IF YOU LEARNED EARTH SLANG YOU WOULDN'T BE SO CONFUSED." Loki yells and face-palms.


	7. TattleTale

Natasha storms into Bruce's lab and yells for him, causing the scientist to almost spill a sterum he was pouring into a beaker.

 

"Natasha?!" Bruce asks, surprised. "What is it?"

 

Natasha folds her arms. "Guess."

 

Bruce analyzes her posture, face, and the constant tapping of her foot. Reminds him of his mother that time when he tried to dress their house cat into a robot with aluminum foil when he was ten.

 

"Um. I missed breakfast? I was there yesterday..."

 

"No. That isn't it."

 

Bruce looked away in thought for a moment, before looking back to her. "Ah, today is your birthday?"

 

" _No._ "

 

Bruce honestly doesn't know what else to say. "Tell me."

 

Natasha sighs, dropping her arms to her side. "You. Had. Sex. With. (Y/n)."

 

Bruce's mouth feels so dry right now. He needs water and some air. Is it hot in here? Ohh fuck, it is. Its too hot right now. He has the urge to jump out of a nonexistent window in his lab. Why is the lab in the basement of the tower. **FUCK.**

 

"BRUCE!"

 

Natasha's yell breaks Bruce out of his thoughts. "Y-yeah. Listen it wasn't my idea, she--"

 

"I know! How did you not hulk out during sex? You put her in grave danger--"

 

"SHE PUT HERSELF IN GRAVE DANGER WHEN SHE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE." Bruce argues. "Besides, she came on to me first. And I don't really understand it myself. She's...her...uh...I don't want to discuss this. It won't happen again."

 

Natasha raises a brow. "No, tell me." Natasha grabs a chair near by and sits on it backwards, and leans down on it in a juvenile fashion. "Please."

 

Bruce gives her a blank stare. "Why are you sitting like that?

 

"This is how I sit when I talk to troubled inner city kids at the community service center. Helps me connect to them better."

 

"You do community service?"

 

Natasha shrugs. "Yeah I do other things besides fight evil. On the weekends I actually give my time to regular citizens. Unlike you lazy, selfish fucks."

 

"Hey, watch it!" 

 

"Whatever. Just tell me."

 

Bruce clams up. 

 

Natasha rolls her eyes. "Grab a chair and tell momma black widow."

 

"I really don't-"

 

 **"TELL. MOMMA. BLACK. WIDOW."** Natasha hisses. **"NOW."**

 

"Okayokayokayokay." Bruce quickly grabs a chair and sits down across from her, nervously. 

 

\---

Driving in Natasha's car was sweet. Especially, when you took it without asking.

 

"I think Loki is trying to sabotage our relationship." Steve piped up, unusually silent throughout most of the drive back home.

 

"Why do you say that?" You ask, but keep your eyes on the road.

 

"Remember when we were spending time in your room yester-"

 

"Oh! I remember it like it was yesterday..." You say with a sigh and smile, and start to flashback.

 

"It was yesterday..." Steve says, blankly. 

 

"STEVE, I'M TRYING TO FLASHBACK."

"What?"

"Hush!!"

\---

 

"Oh god."

 

"Yeah I know it's amazing, right? Me and Bucky use to do that all the time.." You point to the screen. "See how he's bending her over... yeah, that's some good shit there, son."

 

"Uh."

 

"Okay, that was hot. Ohh, look, look--  
that's nice. I like it when someone whispers in my ear. Its great--oh my god..."

 

"Um, can we stop...?"

 

"No. Now see how he gently puts his hand around her neck like so?" You do the same as in the video to him. "How does that feel, Steve?"

 

"Um, okay???"

 

"Be honest. We are friends--no wait we are boyfriend and girlfriend. Soon we will 'frack' like this and it will be glorious. I know you already have a boner from thinking about it. Baby, okay, please don't be so modest in my room. I hate that shit."

"...."

 

"Okay, enough rough sex porn."

You release his neck from your grasp and start typing something new on the site's search bar. "Next we will look at watersports. Now you might feel squeamish about thi--"

 

"OH MY GOD WHY--"

 

"STEVE CALM DOWN THIS ISN'T THAT BAD. WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT, OK? I'M JUST TESTING THE WATERS."

 

"Can we please just do something else?!"

 

"You don't like porn?"

 

"I do, but right now this is too much, okay?"

 

"Okay, okay. Since you have a boner we can--"

 

"I don't."

 

"Yes you do." You smirk and playfully pat his thigh.

 

"Stop." Steve hardly sounds serious, but his face is straight.

 

"...Well you are tenting there ever so slightly so let me help--" You are cut off by the sound of your door being pushed opened and it hits your wall sort of hard.

 

Its Loki, who has an innocent look on his features, strolling in with his hands behind his back. "Afternoon."

 

"Loki, what are you doing?" You ask annoyed and confused. Loki doesn't answer right away, and makes a spot for himself besides you on your large bed. Steve watches him quietly from besides you.

 

"I'm just hanging out with you that's all. I'm not allowed to do that?"

 

"I'm watching porn with Steve, my boyfriend so..." You say a matter-of-factly like it's the norm and Steve winces.

 

"So? We use to watch midgardians fuck together. I don't see the difference." Loki calmly seethes.

 

"Loki, please. Steve is in the room."

 

"He's a grown man, he can handle it. Anyway remember my favorite--"

 

"Yeah, yeah. BDSM was awesome but--"

 

"I remember yours. Ah, it was _pegging_. I'm sure Rogers won't want you sticking plastic cocks up his behind."

 

" _What_." Steve says almost under his breath.

 

"Damnit, Loki. What the fuck? Why are you trying to foil my plans? That's a surprise-- I mean Steven, please. He's lieing!"

 

"Rogers, you aren't compatible with her. Give up."

 

"Loki, why are you here?"

 

"I told you before. I'm hanging low with you."

 

"It's hanging out."

 

"Whatever."

 

"Stop trying to learn lingo please and get the fuck out of my room before I tell Thor you tried to murder Steve."

 

"Really?" Loki drones, tiredly. He didn't want that moron shadowing him around.

 

"Yeah."

 

Loki slowly gets up and leaves, but not without giving Steve a dirty look. Steve pointedly pokes his tongue out at him. Loki raises a brow before turning around. You catch his odd look and turn around to Steve. But he smiles innocently at you before you catch on to anything.

\--

 

"Are you finished spacing out?!" Steve asks you over the beeping of cars behind you as you sit in front of the green street light.

 

"Huh...oh yeah! So yeah. I know what you mean. He's just jealous." You say and after a short moment, you feel the vibration of the phone in your pocket.

 

You wait until you get to another red light before you check It, still ignoring the cars behind you and the look Steve gives you as you pull out your phone, you check the message left for you.

 

_'Listen you broke bitc H you still owe me money pay me what you owe'_

_You glare at your cellphone and text back. 'No fuc Uuu'_

 

You and Tony shared a joke of horrible texting. But it became normal for you both to text each other like this even when there wasn't anything to joke about.

 

"Stop texting and driving."

 

"Steve, everybody does it..." You reply, shamelessly.

 

"That doesn't make it okay."

 

"No, it makes it cool." You counter.

 

"(Y/n)."

 

"Ok. ok. Jesus. Mr. Holier than thou."

 

Steve rolls his eyes. "Just drive, please."

 

After ten more minutes of bullshittery in Natasha's car, you and Steve make it back to the tower. 

 

Before you get very far, Natasha is there waiting for you. With Bruce, who is looking at anything but you. This is not good.

 

"Hey Nat--"

 

"Steve, excuse yourself. (Y/n), Bruce, and I need to discuss something.."

 

"..Alright. See you later, (Y/n)." Steve says and gently squeezes your shoulder. He feels sorry for you. But you probably deserve it; whatever you did.

 

 

Unbeknownst to you, Loki is watching the scene unfold. ' _All according to plan._ '

 

Yes, using that A.I. to find out about you and Banner was easy. He is glad for once that Tony has eyes and ears just about everywhere but the bathroom. Well he thinks he does... _gross_. Anyway telling Natasha was a great idea. 

 

That's what you get for rejecting a God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cockblocking Loki has returned


End file.
